home early from work
had to call out of work early today u_u this morning was just really terrible. i had to rush to get any food in my stomach because i can't eat basically anything in the mornings, had to run to the car because what i was trying to make took longer than i had, only to get smacked with incredibly awful nausea to the point to where i had to crouch on the ground in the breakroom and close my eyes to try and actually get myself together
i really hope someone else hires me because i'm soooo sick and tired of working at goodwill. especially because i'm always on 1st register so it feels like i rarely ever get time to just think and exist by myself. i've been doing night shifts more often and honestly getting the time to not be on register and just tidy up has felt so nice and it's really putting into perspective how stressful being on register has been lately. i need a job that just lets me zone out and not constantly be at the beck and call of customers, or at the very least something where i don't feel like i have to be the face of customer service every single day i work.
part of me feels bad for not being able to handle it, since it's just checking people out and i get to sit down, but more than anything i just get overstimulated. i wonder if maybe my medicine is part of it? i'm taking wellbutrin which is supposed to increase your dopamine, but i usually felt fine and happy working with customers before i started taking it, so maybe i'm getting the equivalent of roid rage while working with customers now... i remember it got REALLY bad when i tried taking 2 a day, so what i'm feeling now could be a less noticeable version of that.
i think i'll try not taking my medicine on days that i work, and maybe that will help a little bit. i could also bring it up to my psychiatrist when i talk to her again and see what she thinks. i think i could also just be stressed out because we're moving soon, or because i really don't like working four days in a row, especially when it's saturday-tuesday. when it comes to sunday-monday it feels like i barely get time to recover, since we get home at 8pm basically, and then i have to get up and work again in only 12 hours, and then tuesday just makes it even worse.
if i do get a job that's 40 hours, it's gonna be really hard to adjust. the idea of my days off just being the ones where i need to go grocery shopping or something else important instead of resting feels like it's going to burn me out really quickly. i don't want my life to just be going back and forth between work and errands. i want to have a chance to be an individual who has interests and hobbies with the energy to enjoy them. the thing i've been terrified of since i was a kid has been having to work so much that i don't have time to be a person, and maybe that's not a rational fear, but it's still something that hurts, y'know? i'm just scared of being seen as immature for it. my entire life has felt like everything i love is on a time limit, and that feeling is even stronger now that i'm trying to find new work. it feels impossible to find a job that respects me and my time.
i don't know. i'm sure it won't be so bad when i actually start, it'll just feel difficult. at least i have a bunch of time off coming up. i'm gonna try packing up some of my clothes today, once i'm feeling a little better. even being honest about my feelings here feels dangerous, like something i said is going to be bad and get me in trouble. i wish i didn't feel like i was walking on eggshells all the time.